Seriously, Fuck This Movie!

FUCK THIS MOVIE FUCK THIS MOVIE FUCK THIS MOVIE FUCK THIS MOVIE FUCK  THIS MOVIE FUCK THIS MOVIE FUCK THIS MOVIE FUCK THIS MOVIE FUCK THIS MOVIE FUCK THIS MOVIE FUCK THIS MOVIE!!!!!!

*Ahem* Ok, I didn't expect too much from this film. I find Zach Snyder's work to be glitzy but lacking in substance, like a Michael Bay film as viewed through a dark filter. However, the promise of seeing these two comic titans clash, along with the Live Action Film introduction of Wonder Woman (Thanks, Lego Movie!) was enough to draw my interest. Unfortunately, the end result is a film that straddles the line between mere boringness, and outright offensiveness to long time comic fans. I'll try to compile my thoughts into a semi-coherent ramble, through the fog or rage.

As one example, in the first minute, during another retelling of Batman's origins, we see his parents murdered. The twist this time? Thomas Wayne takes a swing at a mugger, gets shot as a result. Thus, undermining the "random accident" element that spurs Bruce on. This was a completely avoidable incident created by idiocy. (Note: This is a metaphor too! And this is an example of the subtlety on display in the movie. Classic Satire!)

Spoiler Warning, natch!

Firstly, the positives, such as they are. Batfleck makes a decent Bruce Wayne, from a purely acting perspective. (The character himself is questionable). Any of the solo action scenes involving the Dark Knight are entertaining, with one section in particular standing out like a live action version of one of the Arkham games. Similarly, the titular showdown is decent once it finally gets underway, playing out with a visual flare incredibly reminiscent of The Dark Knight Returns. I mean this as a compliment, Snyder has mentioned this comic as an inspiration and it shows. The best scenes and imagery of the movie evoke other media. A personal favourite of mine is that shot in the trailer of Batman grappling away as lightning forks in the background. This emulation seems to be the best trick in Snyder's arsenal though. Many of the original shots come across as pretentious. Finally, Wonder Woman steals the show in any scene she's in! Gal Godot is amazing, and as a trailer for the solo WW film, this has made me incredibly excited! My favourite moment is during the climactic battle. WW is temporarily disarmed, she glances at her opponent, and smirks, relishing the sudden challenge.

Now, for the many, many negatives. It's hard to know where to start... The tone deafness, the sheer bizarrely people characterizations, the spectacle over substance, the laughably idiotic genius characters, the inexplicable Lex Luthor, the mawkish sentimentality of the ending, the unnecessary Jesus imagery, the jar of piss. Yes, a jar of piss. Just what I found lacking in my Superhero films. Literal piss in a jar. A cold jar of piss seems a fitting metaphor for this film.

I think I should start at the beginning. Time for a little backstory. Cast your minds back to Man of Steel. Superman's grimdark reboot in the vein of Christopher Nolan's Batman. The same problems that plagued that film are evident here too. The most frequent complaint leveled at this film would be the ending. The disaster porn destruction of Metropolis caused by Superman battling Zod. It's hard to feel the emotional pathos of the characters when the death toll is in the tens of thousands at best, and never even acknowledged. One would expect the moral icon of Superman to at least attempt to protect innocents. Compare this to either of the Avengers films, where screentime is devoted to showing our heroes rescuing civilians. I will be making more comparisons to Marvel properties as we go.

The worst crime of Man of Steel is something different though. Superman, the icon, is a paragon of virtue, the embodiment of the best aspects of humanity, of truth, justice and the American way. He is a pure power fantasy, symbolic of hope and potential. These values were instilled in young Clark by his surrogate human parents. This alien immigrant becomes a guardian of humanity, thanks to morals instilled by his upstanding decent mid-American family. Not in Man of Steel though! Who can forget the heartwarming scenes where Pa Kent proposes his son let a bus of children die lest people discover his secret. Remember kids, don't be a hero, always look after yourself above others. It's more important to conform to society than be yourself or show kindness.

To those who might react and say that the boy scout Superman is a naive childish caricature, I say "So what?". Surely in this cynical world our escapist fiction should occasionally embody kindness and decency. Besides, this type of noble character can work in this day and age. Take Captain America, in the MCU, Cap is a man of conviction, of morals, and of optimism, above and beyond a mere jingoistic propaganda figure. This grimdark Superman is against the heart of the character.

So, finally, onto BVS, henceforth to be known as "Crazy Steve V Bearded Idiot: Pants to be Darkened". Thank you, AT4W! The big draw of this film, is the inclusion of the Dark Knight himself. If you thought Snyder didn't do Superman justice, then wait until you hear about Batman. Firstly, Batman has a superpower in this film, premonitions. He has several dream sequences in this movie, henceforth dubbed "Knightmares", obviously. These include: the laughably pretentious image of child Bruce being held aloft in a swarm of bats such that his silhouette forms a bat symbol, the bizarrely ridiculous bat creature bursting from his mother's tomb, and the most egregious of all. He has a dream of a terrible future, ruled by Superman, in which Batman wears a trenchcoat over his batsuit in a desert, and shoots people with guns. He also sees an omega symbol and the heralds of Darkseid. HOW IS BRUCE AWARE OF THINGS RELATED TO A FUTURE FILM! At least Stark's vision in Age of Ultron came from Scarlet Witch's magic...

Let's discuss Batman's motivation for this film then. Bruce is pissed that a Wayne Enterprises building in Metropolis gets destroyed by Superman's battle with Zod. Fair enough so far. Bruce then decides that Superman must be destroyed because "If there's even a 1% chance that he will become an enemy, we must treat it as absolute certainty". Yep, Batman advocates killing somebody who may potentially be a problem in the future. This is the guy who sends his enemies to Arkham Asylum, the rotating door of mental institutions. Batfleck is basically Donald Trump. He's the kind of character who would refuse to help refugees because a few might be terrorists. Satire! At no point does the world's greatest detective investigate Superman's motives, or try and contact. It's just "Alien. Dangerous. Kill".

It gets worse! This is a Batman advocating killing a potential criminal. Going by other evidence, I can only assume he's killed the rest of his rogues gallery. Batman kills at least 10 people in this film. Not in an accidental manslaughter way, direct murder! Batman! He never even mentions hi one rule, or has any hang-up about murder. He even cracks a joke after the worst offence! He takes out a car, then deliberately uses it as a wrecking ball on a physics defying tether to destroy more shit. He lands his Batmobile on a truck, crushing its occupants. He disarms a grenade wielding thug such that three dudes explode. Then, he shoots a guy with a flamethrower such that the tank on his back explodes. This is worse than than Baleman and his "I don't have to save you" logic bomb! Fuck you, Snyder! This Batman is a meat-headed, racist, bigoted, unthinking idiot! When the two finally fight, Superman realised they're being played by Lex, and tries to explain to Bats. Bats fails to listen, and keeps going. Despite not being in danger, Supes gives up logic and fights back. Characters are idiots to service the plot. This is one of the biggest crimes in media, in my opinion. It instantly cheapens all drama.

So, we've established that the two leads are idiots and utterly offensive to the core of their characters, while Wonder Woman was awesome. So what about the other Justice League teasers? It felt cheap to have them show up as video clips on Luthor's hard drive. Marvel earned their connected universe by introducing elements slowly and naturally. Thia feels like an intrusion just to set up a rushed Justice League. Batfleck uses his prodigious predestination powers to realise some sort of league of justice will be needed soon for "reasons".

So, moving on to the villain of the piece. (Who's not racist Dark Knight). Lex Luthor. Others have already gone into detail about his weird presence, so I won't go into too much detail. Suffice to say that this squeaky Silicon Valley techie Lex Luthor is even more insufferable than the trailers portray him. I've heard some commentators suggest that in early versions of the script, both Lex and Joker were in this film, and it really feels like they just merged both into one character here. He has no real motivation for his schemes, and even plays a bafflingly minor role in the creation of Doomsday. At the end, it's suggested that he too was aware of Darkseid, but that doesn't explain his motives either. What do we expect from the guy who gifts a side character with a literal jar of piss though?

This film is a tone deaf mess. A tense early scene is interrupted by Superman comically killing a warlord by smashing him through a building, before snapping back to the serious consequences of his actions. Bruce Wayne walking through the debris of Wayne Tower is interrupted by a sudden fog horse. The jar of piss attempts to encourage a wry smile before a death. Batman quipping as he murders. The film whose entire shtick is grimdark, suddenly tries to be jokey, only for it to fall flat.

It can't be a Snyder Superman story without more Jesus imagery either. I lost count of the amount of times "God" and "Messianic" were used in dialogue.

  Continued in next post.